Just being completely honest here but you MAY want to NOT read this. I say that because this will not be some happy post about the kids, or life. After all this IS my blog and I am entitled to post about what I want, and today I want to complain and whine and let everything out that I am feeling. I try to be an upbeat person and for the most part I am, but everyone has the breaking points and I have reached mine. Since writing is a great release for me..that is exactly what I intend to do here....
I am not even sure where to start, lets just make it easy and start with the stroke. As everyone is well aware, a little over a month ago Derek's dad had a stroke. To us, it was upsetting to say the least, but with having known the man had over come Lung cancer not once but TWICE, it wasn't the worst we had ever been shaking by in this family. We over came the stroke and stood strong as a family. The Godwin's are great about coming together and being a united front no matter what comes. Recently, Derek's dad has started having trouble breathing. He could be sitting and doing NOTHING and just be very short of breath. All of us knew this was nothing to take lightly so Saturday Derek urged his dad to go to the hospital. At 5 a.m Sunday morning Tina(Derek's sister) came and got us up and let us know that once again Derek's dad was at the hospital and they had found lots of fluid on his lungs. When I say ON his lungs that doesn't mean IN...it means ON so basically his lung was being compressed with fluid(hence the shortness of breath) This is the same thing that happened the previous TWO times he was diagnosed with Cancer, but we are standing strong once again as a family and declaring in Jesus name that this time that just ISN'T the case!
I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I feel selfish for even saying it..but its the truth...This last month has just been a landslide and I feel like I am no longer able to just hold it together. Its not just whats going on with Derrek's dad its EVERYTHING! My daddy is having major back surgery tomorrow..and I have to be at at school during the time he will be in surgery. I can't get out of it...trust me I have thought of all the ways. Unfortunately, I have a major test I can't miss and also my school is NOT very sympathetic about missing days. Two days absent you are OUT of that class...NO exceptions. Soo, my anxiety is obviously up about that as well. Also, Derek's mom is Camden's care taker while I am at school. I hope this doesn't even SLIGHTLY sound ungrateful..because that is not how I mean it at all, but obviously she can't watch him in the circumstances of what is going on right now. I wouldn't expect or LET her watch him at the hospital.... I think Camden is actually READY to go to Carson's school..but with ONE income..we can't possibly afford another $400 on top of everything for him to be in Daycare. Our plan is to have him start in January(when I am doing my actual NURSING classes) and then I will have some help from the school with his daycare, but NOW is really the time he needs to be there. So that leaves me with, "What to do with my Cam while I have class" I know lots of people would probably OFFER to watch him, and again I don't want to sound ungrateful. I am thankful for the offers, but at the same time I am his mommy and I have to consider his well being. Not that ANYONE would hurt him but I am nervous about leaving him with someone he hasn't stayed with before. The people whom I DO know and trust to watch him have their own things going on(work, school...ect.) so I wouldn't even dream of inconvienancing anyone else. If I knew that I could do it and not feel guilty or look back and wish I hadn't, then honestly I think I would DROP my micro bio class this quarter! I just feel with all that is going on that I am not devoting the time I want to in actually doing well in the class. I just have to make it another 6 weeks or so and school will be DONE until Jan.... Also did I mention we just have ONE income...well oh yea...let me throw that in...Life on ONE income isn't easy. Yes we make it, yes we aren't starving, yes we have a roof over our heads but that doesn't make it any easier! I am so thankful for Derek he works SOOO hard to support this family and I know he does it with out one bit of bitterness! He fully supports and encourages me finishing school but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty about not helping to provide! .....Ok so you know I think I could go on and on because I have ALOT eating at me right now...but I won't...I will end this here..if you DID read this...SORRY you have to listen to me...well lets just be BLUNT here..BITCH and complain..but today is just one of those days and I needed to let this all out. I have given it all to God. I know that he is hearing my every prayer and he knows just how to take care of it. I fully understand that I alone can't carry all these burdens but he ALONE can help set me free! So Lord..I'm trusting in you and knowing that all things will work out....Oh ya and it also helps that my husband is my voice of reason and always assures me that I am too stressed over nothing! Thank GOD for him! :-)
Park City Utah
2 years ago
It is perfectly normal to complain and feel stressed over circumstances like these! You are human. And to be honest, I think you are a very strong person! You have so much going on right now and so much has come against your family in such a short time. Along with your boys being sick for three weeks. I AM praying for you. And it's not one of those sweet comments, I really am. Promise. :) It WILL get better...you WILL overcome!
ReplyDeleteYou know what, you posted on myspace the other day how you were a little ticked off about people wanting to be like you, but let me tell you I think you are a wonderful and strong girl and I hardly even know you. When you share something that has happened to your family, I am always praying for you guys. I feel awful that you have to go through this all.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel about letting someone new watch Camden. The only people that I let watch Kailynn are Michael's mom and his grandma, and eventhough they've both been around her for the past 11 months I get so anxious about leaving her that I've organized my schedule around Michael's work so that no one has her longer than 45 minutes. That sounds awful doesn't it? Its just hard when your a mom because you know all of the little things to comfort your own child when they are a little upset or overwhelmed and explaining it to other people just doesn't work.
I know how stressful living off one income can be too. I do work, but with school and Kailynn I can only work on Friday and Saturday nights so I am only totaling 9 hours a week, so its basically nothing. But, you know where I am on facebook & myspace and if you everrr need to talk, or just blow off some steam, I don't mind listening to complaints :)
I just want to say, with all that you have going on...You have every right to be stressed! And you have every right to vent! You have to get it out, or you'll just become angry and upset! So..I say, vent away!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I completely understand about one income! Even though I feel like I'm where God wants me, it is soo hard to trust Him when finances are tight. Which they usually are, and I feel like I'm not even contributing. But He always surprises us, and takes care of our every need.
We are praying for your entire family, Hallie. I know it's hard now, but God has an ultimate plan and things will work out in the end! Sometimes we have to continually remind ourselves of that!